Don't be a Desperate Debbie!

I decided to start giving some advice on here just cuz like oh.. idk I am kind of running out of things to blog about and I kind of just thought about this topic about two days ago because I totally realize how many times I have fucked up my chances with a few guys that I REALLY liked in the past. It is NEVER a good thing to throw yourself on a guy EVER and there is no quicker way to get blocked from facebook, twitter, and even get a restraining order put on you then by being needy. I will admit I have a problem with being clingy and it's not something I am proud of. There are many reasons behind that. Main reason is because I had my heart broken really badly in the past by someone I really cared about and thought that I was eventually going to marry one day. When he dumped me my whole world came crashing down and I never fully recovered from that. Everytime I like a guy I go out of my way to try to make him like me back but I tend to forget that you simply can not MAKE someone like you. They are either going to like you or not. You can do things to make yourself more pleasant and attractive to guys but when it comes down to it it's gonna be totally up to them to decide weather or not they like your personality. For the most part I try to be as sweet and pleasant as possible when I am around a guy that I really like. I try not to be too touchy feely but that is something I have a major problem with. I like to hug on guys alot and be affectionate with them. The reason for that is because when I was a child I never really was shown much affection from my mother or my first step father and now I guess I am just trying to make up for that by seeking affection from guys. Anyways truth be told every girl that tends to be clingy or needy has their reasons behind why they are like that. The key is to control it. Until here recently I never really tried to control that aspect of myself but one day I woke up and took a look at myself in the mirror and thought "my god I am pathetic!" I am now starting to try to control my greatest downfall about my personality and I decided to take the liberty to write down all the ways that girls (including myself) fuck things up and ruin their chances with the guy that they like. Here we go.....

• THE OVER TEXTER: THIS IS THE BIGGEST FUCK UP YOU CAN MAKE! This fuck up is not only limited to phone texts either, it also applies to girls who constantly call, email. twitter @, fb message and skype message their crush. There is nothing more annoying or irritating then to constantly have your phone pinging because someone won't stop messaging you. Usually girls go ape shit when a guy does not text them back right away so they start to send messages over and over and over again and those messages tend to say things like "whats up?" or "are you mad at me?" or "you don't think I am crazy do you?" YES HE THINKS YOU ARE CRAZY! YOU ARE TEXTING HIM EVERY 20 MINUTES AND TRYING TO CONTACT HIM ON EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE THAT HE HAS AN ACCOUNT ON AND YOU THINK THAT HE POSSIBLY DOES NOT THINK YOU ARE CRAZY?!" This is the best way to not only get blocked but also possibly get a restraining order placed on you. If you text a guy one time and he does not answer back there are prolly a few good reasons for that, maybe he is at work, maybe he is at dinner with his parents, maybe he is at a party with his friends , maybe his phone is dead there are a multitude of reasons as to why. If you text a guy and he does not text back right away don't freak out! If he never responds then just assume that he is not interested and move on. You don't want to prove to him that you are crazy by constantly texting him. Not only does it ruin your chances with him it could possibly ruin your chances with other guys too because you are gonna end up building this reputation as "that needy chick".

• DO NOT TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM: Ok like I will admit I like to tell guys that I love them but when I say it I don't mean it. whoops that sounded bad! Let me rephrase that, when I flirt around with guys online or (very rarely) in REAL life, I usually tell them that I love them but I do not actually mean love love as in "omg I have known you for 5 years now and I want to marry you and have kids"I mean it in a cute way as in like I like them a lot. But SOME girls tell guys they love them and they actually mean it, even after only knowing them for a few days! Nothing creeps a guy out more I think then hearing those words because they prolly think that you are trying to rush them into being committed to you. I mean not just that but let's be honest guys and girls a like both prolly get really creeped out when someone tells them that they love them and they hardly even know them.

CREEPER!

• DO NOT ADD HIM ON ANY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES UNTIL AFTER YOU GUYS ARE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!: This is another no no and should be avoided at all costs. Reasons are numerous as to why but the main reason is because of jealousy.  If you add a guy that you have a crush on on Fb or Twitter chances are you are going to see a few things that are going to upset you, maybe he has a lot of girls that flirt with him online, maybe he is very social and goes to a lot of parties and has pictures taken with a lot of pretty girls, maybe he is in an open relationship with someone, any of these things can trigger mass amounts of jealousy and can totally destroy your ego and your confidence! Also this goes hand in hand with the over texting rule. If he is on your facebook list or twitter you are going to be even more tempted to over contact him. Everytime you see him on facebook chat you are gonna want to have a convo with him and OF COURSE if it appears that he is online and he is not responding to you right away you are going to think that he is avoiding you so you are gonna end up sending him tons of messages till you get a response, and god forbid if you do not get a response because it's gonna make you cry and all of that. There are many reasons as to why he is not talking back, hell maybe he was not even online to begin with and he just forgot to log out! If he is on twitter you are prolly gonna end up @ing him about 20 times a day and every time you see him talking to another girl you are gonna get angry. Having your crush on you social networking site is just not worth it. Sure you can still lurk his page if it is public but you are less likely to do that I think, too much work.

• FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO OCCUPY YOUR TIME WITH OR YOU ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE A DESPERATE LOSER WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS! Do not obsess over your crush. This may be very hard to do for some girls but it is a very very critical mistake. If all you do all day long is look at his pictures on facebook, text him, think about him, talk about him to your friends constantly it's gonna make you seem like a big ol case of cray cray. I mean we all have seen this ongoing joke in hey arnold right? (see below picture) The segment that is shown every once in a while when Helga goes to her closet to worship Arnold in front of that creepy ass shrine she made for him. It's cute to be a little infatuated with the guy you like but like I said when he is all you think about and all you talk about people are going to think you are nuts, he is going to think you are nuts, and you are prolly gonna end up in a psych ward if your obsession keeps up. Try to focus on other things and not think about him to much. Pick up a hobby or study or get a second job or something. OCCUPY YOUR THOUGHTS WITH OTHER THINGS! Just keep in mind that no guy has ever liked a girl back because she kept thinking about him all day long. It's creepy, it's weird and not to mention... PATHETIC! 

Well ok that is all the advice I have on this topic.. talking from both experience and observations that I have made over the years of others behaviors this is just about the best advice I can give to anyone who is gaga over someone and does not want to come off as a creep. Feel Free to add on to the list if you want. What kinds of things creep you out? Have you ever been called a creep? Do you have a few creeps after you? Do you like that song by Radiohead called Creep? -XOXO

DO COOL SHIT WITH ME PACKAGES ARE NOW HERE!

EVER WANTED TO HANG OUT WIF MEH? WELL NOW HERE IS YOUR CHANCE! JUST LIKE GOOD OL' Josh Frees (drummer of bands like apc, nin, devo, the vandals, weezer so on and so forth) you too can now pay to hang out with me and do cool shit! THIS IS A LIMITED TIME OFFER SO SNAP SNAP BITCHES!

small packages: 

small package one: take me to chick fil a and i will re in-act the whole entire "unforgivable" sketch from youtube! Buyer must buy me a chicken sandwich and waffle fries and a coke FOR FREE! 

Price: $10.00 (unlimited amount of these packages for sale!)

small package two: Take me to chesterfield town center and I will take a sexy photo with you on one of the kiddy rides in the food court. Then you can buy me a bubble tea and we can have a sushi date at tokyo shogun! 

Price: $15.00 (unlimited amount of these packages for sale!)

small package 3: skype date with me and geno! you get to talk to us for 10 minutes and sing a song with us of your choice on webcam! 

Price: $15.00 (unlimited amount of these packages for sale!)

PACKAGE ONE: HANG OUT WITH ME AND DAVID FOUTZ (see below picture if you do not know who he is)  AT THE LOCAL MCDONALD'S FAST FOOD RESTAURANT OF YOUR CHOICE! UPON ARRIVAL WE WILL TAKE A PICTURE INSIDE OF THE BALL PIT (if there is one) AND EAT BIG MACS! (big macs will be provided by you at your expense of course!) THEN WE WILL RUN LAPS AROUND THE BUILDING WHILE SINGING THE BURGER KING SLOGAN "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" EXTRA 5 DOLLARS WILL GET YOU AUTOGRAPHS FROM BOTH ME AND THE FOUTZ! WE WILL SIGN YOUR MCDONALDS CUP! 

Package cost: $25.00 plus food $5 dollars extra for autographs! (number of packages for sale:1)

THE FOUTZ!

PACKAGE TWO: HANG OUT WITH ME ON A ONE ON ONE DATE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY NEAR MY HOUSE THAT I STILL DO NOT KNOW THE NAME OF! THIS PACKAGE IS GOOD FOR ONE BOWLING DATE WITH ME! WE WILL WEAR ROCKABILLY CLOTHES SO THAT WE LOOK LIKE WE BELONG IN THE JOINT AND PLAY ONE GAME OF BOWLING! THEN WE WILL CHALLENGE EACH OTHER IN A GAME OF MS. PACMAN! THE LOSER HAS TO BUY THE WINNER A LARGE SODA! THEN WE WILL GO OUT IN THE PARKING LOT AND HUG EACH OTHER ONE TIME AND THEN YOU GET TO DRIVE ME HOME WHILE WE LISTEN TO MASTER OF PUPPETS! 

Package Cost: $50.00 (#of packages for sale:2)

PACKAGE THREE :  MINI GOLD DATE! YOU GET TO TAKE ME TO THE MINI GOLF PLACE BY MY HOUSE AND PLAY TWO ROUNDS OF MINI GOLF WITH ME! THAT IS RIGHT... TWO ROUNDS! THEN I WILL CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF MARVEL VS. CAPCOM AND THE WINNER HAS TO BUY THE LOSER AN ICE CREAM OF THEIR CHOICE! THEN WE WILL RACE EACH OTHER WHILE DRESSED AS MARIO KART CHARACTERS! AT THE END OF THE NIGHT I WILL GIVE YOU A HUG AND WE WILL DRIVE HOME WHILE LISTENING TO A SMASHING PUMPKINS ALBUM OF YOUR CHOCE!

Package Cost: $100.00 (buyer must pay for all games, food, and everything else!) (#number of packages for sale:1)

PACKAGE 4: SPEND THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY WITH ME! (NOTE THIS CAN ONLY HAPPEN ON A SUNDAY) NOT MUCH TO SAY HERE.. JUST TAKE ME SOMEPLACE OF YOUR CHOICE AND SPEND THE WHOLE DAY THERE WITH ME! ANYWHERE IS FINE AS LONG AS IT IS SAFE AND CLEAN! ON THE WAY HOME I WILL GIVE YOU A HUG IN YOUR CAR AND WE WILL LISTEN TO THE DOPE SHOW ON LOOP UNTIL YOU TAKE ME HOME!

PACKAGE COST: $150.00! (you cover all activities that are to be done that day!)

Me and Dave

For one night he was my boyfriend and he was the best BF I ever had :3 haha. sorry took me so long to post this.. I would do a whole blog entry but meh.. my arm hurts and I already told most people how I got beat at the show by that large lesbo woman who was in front of me.. 

What's Inside my Box of Tricks?

As many of you may or may not know I am a makeup enthusiast! When I first started to wear makeup I was in the 10th grade and I can safely say that I looked like a disaster. I had no clue what I was doing back then at all. I mean I basically drew circles around my eyes with eyeliner. Yeah it was bad.... anyways in 11th grade I started to work more on my makeup and over the years (thanks to many awesome youtube tutorials) my skills improved and I no longer look like a member of Insane Clown Posse as a result.

Last night I decided to make an inventory of everything I use so that I can share it with those of you who might be interested in what products I wear and swear by. I took the liberty to take a picture of the inside of my makeup case and labeled each item and wrote up a description of the item including the name of item, price, and the reason why I love it OR don't particularly care for it but use it anyways because I spent money on it ( I tend to be a very spontaneous shopper, it the Sagittarius in me.)

                                                                  MY LIDDO BOX OF TRICKS

Concealers

#1 DermaBlend smooth indulgence foundation in caramel beige

I have really bad dark circles under my eyes, a few scars from pimples on my cheeks (they are not that bad but they do bother me a little), and chicken pox scars along my left eyebrow which makes my forehead look like a game of connect the dots. I cover all of that nasty stuff up by first applying my MAC concealer over them and then applying Dermablend on top of that. I have to use two different colors because of my skin complexion. Using the Mac concealer alone makes my skin look yellow. Using these two products together conceals my flaws while not making me look like I have jaundice because the two mixed together matches my olive skin tone perfectly.

PRICE: $20.00 online but I bought mine from Ulta and it set me back $26.00. If you buy the product online it is cheaper but it still ends up being $26.00 or so because of shipping cost. I would not buy this product again to be honest because it was just too damn pricey and I could probably get the same effect if I would have just bought a cheap concealer from cover girl in a shade that was one shade darker than my skin tone and mixing it with the MAC concealer that I have. I was excited when I first bought this but now I kind of regret it.
#2 MAC select moisture concealer in NC30

I pretty much already described what i use this for in the paragraph above. 

Price:$16.00

Eyes

#9 L'oreal smokey eyes paletteI don't actually use this anymore but it's a perfect pallet for beginners who are not familiar with the smokey eye look. Comes with all the colors you need for this look and instructions are on the back of the pallet on how to apply correctly. Only time I use this is when I'm going somewhere that's not that important because I don't like wasting my MAC makeup on everyday outings. I usually only use the black shadow from here when I am just going out to the mall or school. Funny thing is that now a days I actually do not wear makeup at all unless I am going to be seen by people I know or if I am going to a show or out on a date with friends.
Price $6.99 I think I bought this a long time ago so I have no clue. 

# 3 #4 #5 MAC shadows

Orb for brow bone, Vex for base, smut for crease. These colors are all used for smokey eye look. I only use these shadows when I am doing my oh so famous amature photoshoots at home or when I go out to a show. I bought these shadows in 2009 and I'm just now running out of vex. Each shadow costs 16 bucks but since I use them sparingly I have managed to make them last a very long time.  Mac shadows prolly have an expiration date but I'm not sure. The pigments are still as strong as the day I bought them so I'd day the money spent is well worth it.

#6 L'oreal Paris HP studio secrets metallic dual eye shadow in GILDED
Since I have olive skin I don't get to wear all the pretty color shadows that I would like to. Anything other than browns or greys and blacks tends to make my skin look ashy. I can totally forget about wearing blue eyshadow. :( As you can guess things get pretty boring when your limited to such a small color pallet.  L'oreal's metallic shadow in gilded is a perfect way to make things more exciting! The shiny golden color that comes in this pallet looks very nice on olive colored skin.
Price: $6.99

#7 L'oreal  liquid eyeliner
I never wear anything other than cat eye when I put on eyeliner. I adore 1960's pin up girls such as Jane Mansfield and Bridgette Bardot so it's no wonder why I love the cat eye as much as I do. From years of wearing this look I have come to find that liquid eyeliner is the best option when it comes to cat eye.  Regular eye pencil is terrible for cat eye because it tends to smudge a lot and by the end of the day you end up looking like you either got off set of a really bad fetish porno or like you were crying all day. I never tried out gel liner but I have heard that it sucks as well from many YouTube tutorials.  This particular liquid eyeliner stays on all day long and the ironic thing about it is that it washes off very easily. All it takes is water and a napkin to wipe it off. I haven't figured out why sweat does not remove it yet but I'm glad it doesnt. If you hate washing off makeup as much as I do then You need to buy this product!
Price $8.00

#8 MAC mascara
I've tried loreals massacre and hated it because it always made my lashes clumpy and it made them look like spider legs. This mascara is perfect for volume. If you already have very longs lashes like me than you will want this product because it only adds volume and not much length.
Price $15.00


LIPS
#10 Revlon Lipstick in Baby Pink
This lipstick is perfect if your going to wear a lot of eye makeup. Remember this very basic tip, if you are going to wear dramatic eye makeup go with a nude lip otherwise your going to end up looking like a clown or as many ladies like to say "the models from Robert palmers "addicted to love" video (see below picture for reference). If you wear anything other than nude lipstick your going to look very extreme.$6.99

BRUSHES & ECT.

MAC fluffy brush

Use this for smokey eyes. I put on the base color with this brush on my lid.

Price: $15.00 word to the wise do not spend money on MAC brushes it's not worth it and you can get better ones at Target to be honest. I was suckered into buying this. Those people at MAC are such good sellers! 

Sonia kashuk brow brush and lid liner brush
I like to darken my brows because my brows are terrible and are very patchy and this tends to make me look like I'm loosing my brows. I use this brush with a little bit of black eyeshadow on it in order to fill my brows in. Sometimes I fill my brows in with pencil. Just depends on my mood.
Price I think both of these were 3.99 each.

No name eyeshadow brushI use this for putting on my golden eyeshadow. This brush actually belonged to my ex friend Ashley. Idk how it ended up in my makeup bag but I am guessing it was when I was putting on makeup in her car at one of the NIN/JA shows we went to.
Price: STOLEN but I like to think of it as borrowed and never returned it. 

#13 Eyelash Curler:  No need for  falsies here because my lashes are longer than fake ones. I only curl them and apply mascara for volume only not length.
Price Anywhere from $1-4 dollars at Target.

Cleaners
#11 MAC brush cleaner
I'll be honest I was suckered into buying this. It works better than water for sure but it's not a necessity at all.
Price $13.00

#12 Maybeline expert eyes moisturizing eye make up remover

Great product that easily removes all make up in a matter of seconds. Only bad thing is it makes your face really greasy afterwards so ya gotta make sure to wash your face with soap and water after removing makeup.
Price $3.99

I added up the total cost of all of my products and I came up with $169.00 total for everything I have! With that being said I think that guys should think twice before they criticize the way I look because I spend a lot of money and time and effort just to look halfway decent! Most people would think that I am a pretty shallow and vain person after reading this post but everyone in real life that knows me can tell you that I am actually a total slob for the most part and I only make myself up when I am going to a show or on an outing with friends which does not happen very often may I mind you. The truth is every one wants to look presentable and every woman and girl wants to look her best and there is no denying that fact! Hopefully this post will help someone out there who is a total newbie to the world of makeup. Good luck and remember, STAY PRETTY! 

The best wig in the world!

So I am a little late with posting this. I got my wig in the mail about 3 weeks ago. I have been kind of busy with other things so I have not posted here in a few days and i have been meaning to post a blog about this wig but just have not had the chance. anyways here it is in all it's glory! Resting beautifully atop my round little head!

 TA DA! 

I apologize for the shitty webcam pic but it's all good right? I was too lazy to take pictures with my real camera. Anyway when I purchased this on Ebay I was not too sure what to expect. I always hear how it's not a good idea to buy wigs or clip on hair online because ya never know how thick or thin the hair is gonna be.  Well this wig has the perfect thickness. The hairs are not too thin nor are they too thick. The wig is comfortable to wear and does not seem to fall off easily. Then again I am usually very stiff when I am wearing it so yeah that might be the reason why it has not fallen off yet. On the inside there is a little strappy thingy that you can use to make sure that it does not fall off but idk how to use the strappy thingy so I don't. I also bought a wig cap to go with it. The wig cost me 16 dollars and the cap cost me 2 bucks. The ebay seller I bought it from ships all of there wigs for free so my subtotal was around 18 bucks or so. Not bad huh? The wig looks like real hair but it is actually synthetic. It totally does not look like a wig either when you wear it. some people actually thought I got extensions online because that's just how perfect this wig is! Here is the link to the store that bought it from. This link will direct you to the wig I purchased. As you can see it comes in many colors. Also this seller has other styles as well. 

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE THIS WIG!

here are some more pictures of me wearing it for reference. It takes a while to make it look right on your head but in the end it comes out great! 

If ya have any questions just ask me! :D

I miss being a child (the 90's were totally rad!)

I feel bad for kids these days, all of the cartoons on tv are really lame and stupid and the toys... it's like wtf? bratz dolls and zhu zhu pets? REALLY?! LAME! I prolly post too many nostalgic blog entires but ya know what? FUCK IT! I like to think back on the past a lot more than I prolly should because my present sucks and I am unsure about my future. I like to look back on my childhood because just like everyone else, I wish I could go back in time so that I could appreciate it more. When we are kids we all wanna grow up overnight and then once we become adults it's like.. "fuck! THIS IS NOT what I had in mind!" I had a lot of favorite tv shows and toys and so yeah.. here is a post dedicated to all of the things I loved so dearly.

Virtual Pets!

I think everyone had at least one of these. The first one I ever got was a Giga pet. I begged my mom for one and one day while her and my aunt and my cousins were at the mall, my mom finally ended up purchasing me one! I remember that both me and my cousin Val got one that day. I picked the dog and she picked the cat. The reason why I wanted one of these so badly is because when I was a kid I was OBSESSED with dogs. I wanted one so badly. I begged my mom to buy me one but because we lived in a du plex and because the majority of the time I stayed with my great grandma (who hated animals!) I was not able to have one. So naturally I wanted the next best thing! A pixelated doggy! I honestly do not know who came up with this idea but they were a fuckin genius! As time when one I also got a tamagotchi, a knock off virtual pet that I found, a digimon (those were so cool because you could link them up and fight them!). a pikachu virtual pet (that was the first gift my step dad ever bought for me!), oh and a talking nano! dude those were the best and like if you had a talking nano all the other kids at school were jelly of you because they were the most expensive virtual pets out there. I actually had mine up until a few years ago. I lost it when I moved to San Diego :[ 

Interactive sound books

OH MY GOD THESE WERE THE BEST THING EVER! I loved to read when I was a kid but like when they started to add sound to books I was like HELL YES! I used to get at least two of these every year for my birthday and christmas. I remember I had one of the lion king!

SKIP IT! 

Fisher Price little people and school bus

I had this and all the people that came with it! I used to build buildings with the wooden blocks that I had and I would pretend that the kids inside were going on a field trip to places like Greece and Paris haha. I had a weird imagination. 

POGS!

Ok i admit I have no clue how to play with these at all. I just thought they looked cool and I remember that a pack of pogs always usually came with this thick plastic pog that had a holographic sticker on top of it. Can someone out there explain to me how to actually play with these? I think they need a comeback! 

Littlest Pet Shop!

I had all of the pieces in this picture haha and then some! Yeah this toy is still around but it is not cool anymore because the pieces are not actually that little anymore. Just like what happened to polly pocket, the company started to make the pieces bigger because they were a chocking hazzard I assume. The little animals that you had to purchase speratley had really cool features. For example, the chameleon used to change colors if you held him in your hand for a few minutes, 

Really it was the warmth from your hands that would change him from a dark green to a light green so you could also hold him up to a lamp and get the same effect. 

another cute piece that you could purchase was these two love birds! You could take the lid of the cage off if you wanted to. and the bottom half was rotatable so you could make them kiss my rotating the bottom  back and forth. It is kind of hard to explain without a video. -_- sorry if I still had mine I would demonstrate. 

Polly Pocket

I thing bit sized toys were really popular back then. These are what the original Polly Pocket toys look like. You could buy a compact and each one was different inside. I actually had the one in the center of this picture. It was a fairy themed compact. Usually each compact came with one polly pocket doll and a pet! I remember I had several compacts. I surprisingly never lost any of the dolls. I remember that over time the faces of the dolls would rub off because of over play, i guess they used cheap paint on these things.

Moving on to cartoon! It would take me all day long to list all of them and a description so I am just going to post screen caps of my top 5!

SAILOR MOON!

Courage the cowardly dog

JUMANJI! Yeah they made an animated series haha

The Rugrats 

and last but not least

MOST EPIC THEME SONG EVER! ( I think the guy that did Gary's voice actually sang this song.. but I could be wrong, he sounds like him though haha)

My Heart Goes Out To the Family.

Yesterday as I was checking my email on yahoo I came across an article about a 15 year old girl in New York City named Amanda Diane Cummings. Amanda took her life about three weeks ago. She died in the hospital after throwing herself in front of a school bus while she was carrying a suicide note in her hand. Now I was going to do a video blog about this but for some reason my macbooks cam will not let me make a video that is longer than two minutes for some reason. Anyway I just want to share my thoughts on bullying and I hope that teenagers read this blog post and seek out the help that they need.

I viewed some of Amanda's pictures and she seemed like a happy normal teenage girl in all of them for the most part. Of course we all know that cheerful smiles and cute posses can mask the pain that someone is going through. Cummings was heavily bullied in school and even had her possessions stolen from her by her bullies. I also understand that there was some cyber bullying action going on on facebook as well. I can no express how angry I get when I read articles about teens that kill themselves. I myself was heavily bullied in 10th and 12th grade. I went to high school in a very rural area both of these years and of course, the fact that I was a hispanic, alt. girl pretty much meant that I was a prime candidate for ridicule. Every day in class i was subjected to some sort of harassment. Girls would throw paper at me. people would constantly remind me how ugly I was, one girl in my biology class even called me a retard, I honestly think she thought I was mentally ill. That hurt me the most. I would run to my principle and teachers and tell them that I was being bullied but of course none of them every really cared. I always got the same response " Well I will talk to so and so, call them down to my office and talk to them about this issue".  All that would ever happen after that is that the person would get a "stern: talking to and then they were told to never do it again. Of course after they were sent to the office the bullying became worse because then they had a reason to be angry with me. I got them in trouble, I was a snitch, so now there would be no mercy for me.

I eventually started to abuse nyquil because I wanted to find away to forget about things for a while. Everytime someone at school would hurt me I would come home and drink a cup and a half of it and sleep until the next day would come. I just wanted to die and I felt like if I did no one would miss me, not even the boyfriend that I had at the time. I think the most hurtful thing was that my boyfriend and my friends rarely if ever stuck up for me. The only time someone would stick up for me was when I would start to cry in class. That was the most embarrassing part, is when people made me cry. I often started to pretend I was sick so that I would not have to go to school. My mom noticed that I would often come home crying. She ended up calling the principle and of course, he did not care much at all. But in 12th grade he all of a sudden started to care.. not towards my benefit however....

Sadly no major action ever takes place until one of the two things happens, the child that was being bullied takes their life OR the child that was being bullied ends up taking a gun to school and shooting all of their bullies. Then bullying becomes an issue. Only after it is too late to do anything about it. When I was in 12th and 10th grade I ended up fighting two of my bullies. I did not get in trouble for the first fight but my senior year I ended up getting suspended for a whole week. I was busted in the middle of that fight, a very large office assistant grabbed me by my arm, dragged me into the principles office and began to tell everyone that I violently attacked another student. I was crying at this point. I cried so much that I honestly thought I was going to throw up. The principle looked at me in disgust. I sat in the chair in front of his desk and was screaming and crying and he just gave me a cold stare. As if he was saying I DO NOT CARE. He automatically  started to put the blame on me and told me that my actions were inexcusable. The other girl did not even get sent to the office and here I sit, getting written up a suspension letter for 7 days plus saturday school. I was automatically sent to in school suspension and held there the whole day until the end of the day when my parents had to come pick me up because I was not allowed to ride the bus home. My parents were furious, not with me though, they were furious with the school administrators. My parents wanted to know why they were notified at the end of the day about this issue when it had happened first thing in the morning. My assistant principles excuse? "We had a pep rally today and things have been very busy around the school because of it" She began to tell my parents what happened, she told them that I tried to fight a teacher when he was restraining me which was not true, He claimed that I kicked him on purpose. Again not true. My dad asked what had caused the fight. I told him that the girl had thrown a hard object at the back of my head. My dad then told the principle that if that would have happened to him he would have punched someone's lights out as well. However the fact that I fought back was not seen as self defense, Apparently schools like to teach that all forms of violence are bad, even when it is in self defense. So basically what we are teaching kids is that if someone walks into your house with a gun and starts shooting at you, you should just stand there and await death instead of going to the closet and grabbing your shotgun and firing back. Anyways to make a long story short,  in the end I was seen as the "bully" and the other girl walked away scott free without any kind of disciplinary action what so ever. And as far as my "punishment" goes, being suspended for 7 days was what I wanted anyways, what kid doesn't want to stay home and listen to music all day long and not have to go to school to get picked on some more?

I think the worst form of bullying would be the kind that goes on online. Cyberbullying is a mass form of bullying and everyone on the internet can feel free to chime in. I myself have been a victim of this form of bullying. I especially remember this one time on myspace (back when people still used myspace) when a girl that bullied me wrote a blog post about me. She told everyone that I was "a dirty Indian and that I needed to go back to the country I cam from because I was nasty". One I am not indian, two I am not dirty, and three I was born in America. Had I seen something like this written about me today I would just shake it off an not care and find it funny. However when you are a teenager you re act to things very differently. I remember going to my room and crying the whole entire night. I cried until I started to feel sick. I will never forget that night even till this day. Cyberbullying is very hard to control even thought there have been laws passed that try to prevent and stop it from happening.

I think the worst part about bullying is the fact that the bullies often times do not know how much they are damaging a person. Till this very day I still feel worthless and ugly because of what people told me in 10th grade. Bullying will give someone self esteem issues for the rest of their life. Everyone likes to go by the old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" but this is simply not true. Words do hurt. Sometimes they even hurt more than psychical damages. I feel like I should somehow become a part of the anti bullying movement but I am not exactly sure how I can help. I am not a famous person and most of the time people do not even care about what I have to say.

I just want to leave a message out to any teens that are going through this right now before I end this post. I want you to realize that half the time bullies are extremely jealous of you. It's either because you are smarter than them, prettier than them. or they just feel threatened by you because of their own insecurities.  No one should ever make you feel like you are less of a person because your nose is not the perfect size, or because your body is not "perfect" or because you are from a different ethnic background than they are. If you ever feel like killing yourself please just do not do it. Take a movement to realize what taking your life will do to not only you, but your family and your friends. Things do get better, sometimes it takes a while but they do! If you kill yourself you will never get to find that out. you will hurt your family and you will hurt your friends because they will always carry around the guilt of your suicide. School only lasts for so long and then its over with and people move on into the real world. I have actually had high school bullies come up to me in college and apologize for treating me the way they did. You would be surprised how many people actually feel remorse for being bullies. Often times kids only bully other kids because their friends all gang up on one person and they do not want to feel like they are being left out and they want to keep their friends so badly that they will do anything to ensure that they themselves do not become the outcast in school.

Hopefully one day a genuine solution will be found for all of this. I know we can never stop kids from bullying each other but we can prevent suicides if we just pay attention to the warning signs and intervene before it is too late.

This is a picture of the 15 year old girl who took her life. Today on facebook I am making her picture my profile picture in memorial of her life and of this tragic event.